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I'm here again, here for now, here.

14.08.04 (03.33)

I'm here, I'm here. Late and late and it's been too long, and I'm sorry and you know it all already of course. But life happened and I kept on not feeling like writing here. I love this place, but it's not for me anymore. I don't know how to make it all mine again. Every time I add an entry I love it, but then I leave it be for ages and ages and far too long and I'm sorry about that. And now I'm back, and how am I supposed to tell you everything?

I was in DC in May. I did pretty well on my exams. I've had a good, if not exhausting, summer. As always. My grandmother is getting older, everyone in my family is getting older. I am too. But not in a bad way. My grandmother went between thinking I'm looking real pretty, to thinking I could stand to lose some weight. Those two aren't mutually exclusive either, so she's entirely right, of course. I could stand to lose some weight, and I am looking good. That's that and so it is. You know.

We had visitors from USA this summer, three sets of them. Amazing people all, charming as all that and it made a few pieces come together in my head, made things make more sense, if you will. I'm figuring this out, realising that there are thousands of things I want to do, but I don't have to do them all this year or next year. I'll be thirty at some point, and will still have time then to do the things I want to do now. I mustn't stuff everything in my life together in this year, just because I feel so alive right now. I feel like hibernating for a while, hiding out and sticking to who I am. Or changing. Running away, going, leaving. I came back here, and this is home, but it isn't. It bores me, I'm tired of living here. I want to go. USA, Canada, send me anywhere, show me the world. I told a guy I talked to on Wednesday, a lovely guy who made me happy long after he'd gone, despite the fact that I only met him for seven hours total, and talked to him for about one of those, that I feel like my parents have, possibly without meaning to, taught me that I can do whatever I want, and that I'm allowed to screw up, and if I do, it's OK, I'll go back to step one and try again. Always try again. Or begin with something new, something better.

This guy, and the other guys, men, people of this summer, the silly laughing with the girl I work with, the almost-flirting-but-not-quite-because-she's-straight(Ithink) smiling with the other girl I work with and the new coffee shop that's opened up and saved my brain, and made me smile when people knew what I wanted after about three days of showing up. I'm so easy to please, and have such a desire to be remembered, to be recognised, to be more than what I feel like I am. I want to be noticed by people who don't have to notice me. I want to talk to someone and be fascinated by their background, and make little jokes and make fun of myself when I don't know what to do. And then to say something stupid, because I can't not do that.

I'm still here, I'm still me, but I'm not sure who I am, or who I want to be. I just don't find me here any more, but I don't want to leave this place either, I like it too much for that. My history, you know, my formative years, which are still occuring. It's all here, and it sticks with me. Ani says that we never see things change, we only see them end. I never see the endings, I don't think there are endings in my life, they only change, they go from this to that to something I don't know how to deal with. And I don't know where to write about it, but I keep wanting to write. I don't know, don't know, but if, when, if I leave, I'll tell you first, I'll promise you that much.

Music of the moment: Ani, Phase, and Erin McKeown's Grand.
Favorite? the guy I talked to, the one who made me smile. a lot.

S-K ©Milkshake n' honey