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There's 12 years of history in this entry. And some regrets about gayness.

01.02.03 (03.25)

I shouldn't be up, but I've been surfing the net, reading odd stuff, and just... not sleeping at all, I guess. And I had a conversation with a guy, and it touched on a few things I just wanted to write down, but didn't know where, and so I stumbled here, and if this continues I'll feel like beginning every entry with "forgive me, reader, for I have sinned".

Though I haven't really and all that happened was that he, who I have a 12 year long history with, much like TH and I think they are the only two people as constant in my life, except for RIU, but she doesn't count, special friends and all. Because we've been in the same class since 1st grade, except for 3 years in junior high. And not really high school either, but almost. And we've always known oneanother, even if I did hate him for a good... seven? years. Stupid, but still, teenagers do as they will.

And he's gay, and registered on this webpage I'm on as well, and today we just happened to be online on the same time, and so we spoke, and the conversation was partially about the who-what-where-when-why of the gay life of Tromso. Not that I know too much, and he is away and doesn't know much either, but we shared our need for boy/girlfriends, and we commiserated, if that's how you spell it, and we discussed this one guy who just might be gay (because it isn't possible that he's straight, just because), and I revealed that I had a crush on him once, when I still thought I was straight... And that I've had crushes on TH too, and OM. And they're both gay, so I've got a bad/good track record when it comes to figuring who's gay.

And he sent a message that said "you left me out..." and ended with a wink. And I didn't really, because I never liked him like that, and now I like him because I know he wouldn't want anything more. And so I said "well, you know I hated you for so many years, and when I finally got over it, I was a lesbian... and you were gay... We were never meant to be, I guess..." And he replied with something that ended in another wink, but that was so true. 'Cause once upon a time he liked me. And I was in despair, because I was worried he'd be the only kind of boy I'd ever attract, because I was a foolish child and way too attracted to all the pretty boys. (and he didn't have the nice intended messiness he does now, back then he was just plain filthy) And he sent a random message, and I might have read too much into it, but it made me smile one of those sentimental smiles that should be reserved for when you're atleast 40. Preferably 50 or 60.

And maybe I would redo it, if I could. Because it would be a funny story for the future. "Yeah, we were together once, but then we were gay instead... haha." And it didn't work out that way, but atleast he can pull the same smile-and-bear-it-line I use these days when looking back on when I was younger and stupid and thought I was straight. I had a gaydar, only it didn't work quite as intended, even if it saved me from trouble... And it works well for the future. Gay boys all over.

And these days, when I see him, I want to hug the guy, because I want to apologize for so many years, and so much stupidity and just because he looks like he's developed into warm comfort, and suddenly I get him. And we could've been good together, even if it was only as a funny story to the future.

And I think the entire day is just defined by that soft smile I got when reading the line, and maybe I read too much into it, but I think his truth fits in well with mine, and our stories are similar, if equally unpleasing. And we share roughly 12 years of history. And I don't mind any longer.

Music of the moment: A lot of chilled out Ani/Whiskeytown stuff in a mix I called "so what?"
Favorite? The boys of whom I speak, I think. For right now atleast.

S-K ©Milkshake n' honey