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And entry in which the line "I don't know" is used far too often.

24.03.03 (20.05)

So. Hello. There's a war. And I'm not sure and I'm not certain about anything any longer, but would you believe I can't sleep unless I'm all worn out, because otherwise I lay awake and torture myself. I don't quite know, I either giggle 'til my head hurts or I'm on the verge of tears so badly, I can't concentrate on anything but breathing. And I unintentionally watch the news, read the papers, and the smallest things make me burst into tears.

It's all projecting, I think. And I'm not worried about dying. I'm over that. I don't want to die, but when I die, I die, and there's nothing I can do about that. But I'm still not comfortable with the war, with the soldiers, with the anti-war, anti-anti-war. With the fires made of Dixie Chicks music. With the right-wing, left-wing. Any wing and any thing, I don't know. Frustration and hopelessness and I've resorted to making mix tapes and leaving them out for the world to find. Because I'm anti-war, anti-Saddam, anti-Bush. And I don't know what to do, other than be thankful that I live in a part of the world where I'm safer than a lot of other people. Safe. I don't know.

There are bigger issues behind it, too, but I can't pinpoint what. I think it's a feeling of not quite knowing what to do. A sense of never really becoming what I wish to become. Apathy all around, I think. But the bigger the threat, the unrest, the bigger my need to spread random joy. To share my happiness with everyone and anyone. The happiness that's only there when I spread it out among people. Whoever those people are. I have a hope of someone finding a mix tape I've made, liking it, and mailing me. Making a new friend, making some connection because of something so fucked up.

I don't want to be so disconnected, to be so distant. There's no continuity in my sentences and it's partly because I'm tired, but mostly because I'm tired. Of everything and a few more things in between. These on and off, odd, never quite working friendships that I don't have the energy to maintain. Grrr and TH are my only real friends now, everyone else drifted away. And I'm trying desperately to make that OK, to open up, find new people. but it's hard. i've suddenly turned into an ice princess. I have nothing in common with anyone. Or so it seems.

The people I study with, I hardly even know their names. I try to smile, but my face is a mask, and they all know eachother better than anyone knows me, and each attempt at common, kind conversation is stopped by me because I never know what to say. I feel too young, too small, too stupid, too silly to be friends with them. I feel like all I really want to discuss is more literature, but they don't want that. And I don't know what to do with it, because I want, need to learn more. I need to read. And I never do, because my head is lazy and I'm stupid and spend too much time in front of the computer, wasting away. I don't know.

And the sad part is that even my day dreams have turned bad, and now I'm setting myself up for heartache even when I try to make sweet nothings up all by myself. I guess what I really want, what I really really want right now is some random surprise. From some random person, who thought of me and wanted to make me happy and who sends me, or gives me a random anything, only because. Because. And that's all, right now. I just need someone to do sillysweet things for me, like I'm trying to do for the world.

Music of the moment: Lots of Ani, too much Self-Evident, and a bit of Something Corporate.
Favorite? None, really. Sleeping is high on the list.

S-K ©Milkshake n' honey