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We go from siblings to war to religion. it's just one of those posts...

13.02.03 (17.50)

My brother passed out today while getting a simple shot, a vaccine against polio and other such fun stuff. And he passed out. My brother is a lot weaker than one would suspect. (yes, he looks rather thin and fragile, but still he's a boy, and therefore supposed to be strong and chilled out about such things). I'm a lot stronger than one would suspect. Sure I worry about everything more than I might need to, but I'm still strong enough to handle it. I was, incidentally, the one person when my grandmother died, who was completely OK with it. I suspect I might have been the only one to actually think "if it's better for her to pass on, I don't want to try to force her to stay here". I'm a lot stronger than you might think.

And I just felt like pointing that out, because people often seem to overlook it.

Also, have had my first major aggravation over this whole war-business. (and the fact that I can just say "the war" and everyone knows what I mean pisses me off the most) See, me and Grrr are maybe kinda somewhat definitely planning on going to London in June, which would be infinetly great and a big YAY! Just yippie:> But then her father had some (quite reasonable) quibbles about it, such as London being a semi-dangerous place to be in case of a war. A lot more dangerous than Tromso in any case... which of course doesn't take much, 'cause I can't quite see why anyone would want to bomb us at all... And I'd been living on cloud nine, all excited and planning and thinking about what to do and where to go, and how often could I hang out with lovely Katie while there, and then boom, there's the possibility of a war and who knows what's happening in June and maybe we shouldn't go at all... And it pissed me off. Because I don't want to live my life with having to think along the lines of "well, that is if there still is a London to visit in June"... Honestly, you'd think that mankind would have come far enough to realise that war and nuclear weapons and bombing everything is nowhere near an acceptable answer to anything other than "who's a dick? Yeah, who is?" "we are baby, we are!" We're all assholes and we all have death wishes and how about sending those little depressed goth kids down there, since teens today all seem to want to die. 'Cause I want to stay alive, and I want to be around for June to come and our London trip to be reality and everything to be shiny and brilliant and me to convert Grrr to the joy that is Starbucks. (even if, yes Starbucks is evil, but dammit I live in Norway, I like my Starbucks whenever I get a chance to go there)

I feel sorta cool for knowing what Hajj (the muslim holiday) is all about, but I still feel mean about my reaction to this news. My first thought after reading the line "At least 14 Muslim pilgrims are crushed to death performing the "stoning the devil" ritual at the annual pilgrimage, or Hajj, Saudi reports say." was "well, maybe they were actually devil worshippers, and so there was divine intervention and they got what they had coming at them." Because even though I have issues with God, but not so much God, more the religions that follow along behind the idea of God, I accept the idea of a God who'd let people be trampled to death, because they lied and tried to look innocent and pure while being people who didn't believe in what they were doing.

And it's a concept that's hard to explain. Because it ends up making me sound really mean... I told my parents about it, adding on the "God got them good" part, and my father said I sound just like my grandmother (his mother, the only grandparent still alive). And it's true, because she's big on the principle of "what goes around comes around". And that's why I believe in. I do believe in a God willing to forgive you for doing stupid things, and a God willing to love you no matter who you love (with the exception of small children, dead people, and possibly barn animals of any kind), but I believe in a God that's also willing to let you be struck down by lightning if you use the line "I swear I'm telling the truth, and if I'm not, may God strike me down" while lying. A God who isn't out to seek vengeance, but who gives you what you deserve, whether that be a big hug or a good kick in the ass, or indeed a lightning strike in the head because you're a liar.

And that's the kind of God I don't want to piss off, but who I know doesn't want to anger me either by trying to put restraints on me. I believe in a God who'll believe in me when I go out thinking that if I give respect, I earn respect, and if I don't get it, then that's not because I screwed up. I believe in a God who'll love me regardless of who I love, regardless of who the church, any church says I can love. I believe in that God, but since there isn't a church willing to give that God to me, no I'm not religious, I'm just a believer. And that sounds like a psycho-babble with the "love yourself... etc" line, but such things happen when the church still doesn't know whether to believe in a forgiving God or an angry Bible.

And all I really hope for is that I'll be able to go through my life without God ever feeling the need to strike me down with lightning. And the day God feels the need to do that, is the day I'll realise I'm better off where I end up.

I don't know. Maybe I am kinda fundamentalist, in my own little way...

Music of the moment: Random stuff I've downloaded and am now trying to listen to without going "huh?" every three minutes...
Favorite? Dunno, really. Many good things in life right now.

S-K ©Milkshake n' honey